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It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend: Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success
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Review
"The best guide of its kind ever written. . . a major achievement." -- Edward Hallowell, M.D.,Coauthor of Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction
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About the Author
Richard Lavoie, M.A., M.Ed., has worked as a teacher and headmaster at residential special education facilities for the past thirty years. He holds three degrees in special education and serves as a consultant to several agencies and organizations. The father of three adult children, he lives with his wife in Barnstable, Massachusetts. He welcomes visitors to his website at www.ricklavoie.comMel Levine, M.D., is professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina Medical School and director of its Clinical Center for the Study of Development and Learning. He is the founder and cochairman of All Kinds of Minds, a nonprofit institute for the understanding of differences in learning, and the author of two previous national best-selling books, A Mind at a Time and The Myth of Laziness. He and his wife, Bambi, live on Sanctuary Farm in North Carolina.
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Product details
Paperback: 448 pages
Publisher: Atria Books; Reprint edition (October 3, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0743254651
ISBN-13: 978-0743254656
Product Dimensions:
6.1 x 1 x 9.2 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.6 pounds
Average Customer Review:
4.3 out of 5 stars
49 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#422,245 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
A girl with learning disabilities was having a very bad day. Her best friend was not too happy either: the two had gotten into a tiff and found themselves squarely in the principal’s office. “You know, it’s so much work to be your friend,†said her acquaintance in exasperation. Rick Lavoie realized this statement would make a very apt title for the book he was writing. When most educators speak of learning disabilities, they refer to the condition in academic terms. Others focus on taming the “wild animal†of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). What Rick Lavoie has done is to present learning disabilities from the perspective of the child and urges adults to adopt the same empathy and advocate for these children – helping them find social success. In the past, conventional wisdom held that a lack of social competence and rejection were consequences of the child’s learning disability (LD). Many other educators believed that a child’s LD caused academic failure, which – in turn – caused social isolation. What Mr. Lavoie found, however, was that social challenges remained, even when the child was fortunate enough to be in a school environment that allowed him to experience academic success. In other words, Mr. Lavoie found that there was “a direct link between LD and social incompetence.†The importance of social skills cannot be underestimated – even more than academic subject mastery, these skills enable or prevent one form experiencing success in all areas of life. With assistive technology, a child can overcome many academic and physical disabilities, but social skills pose a much different and greater challenge. Only through extremely patient adult support can a child learn to find ways for compensating for his or her social deficiencies. There are four key areas of social skills one needs to master to enjoy success at home, in school, at work, and in the community. • Joining or entering a group • Starting and maintaining friendships • Resolving conflicts • Tuning into the requirements of social skills. The question arises: why teach social skills? • Children with poor social skills resolve conflict through aggression rather than negotiation, resulting in teasing and rejection among peers. Even worse, this inability can lead to criminal behavior in later years. • A child’s poor social skills affect all family members. • Nearly every situation and environment in which one finds oneself requires a degree of social competency. • A child can compensate for most disabilities, through habit or assistive technology, but not for a lack of social competence. • Strong social skills will determine a child’s future success, happiness, and acceptance. However, many common popular strategies, no matter how well intentioned, are ineffective. These include forcing the child into social situations and behavior-modification approaches, especially those involving external rewards. What does work? Concrete positive feedback changes behavior; negative feedback only stops it for the time being. Adults should reward direction, not perfection, Mr. Lavoie emphasizes. Children with a LD also need a predictable and structured environment and approach. Lavoie advocates using what he refers to as a “social autopsy,†a reflection whereby the child and adult reviews and analyzes a social situation as to what went wrong, what events led to the error, and what would be a more constructive and effective way of handling the situation when it occurs again. Thus, social miscues become “teachable moments.†Or, to quote, Mr. Lavoie, “Kids need love most when they deserve it least.†This sentiment, as well as the use of the term friend in the title, reflect Mr. Lavoie’s deep compassion and understanding of children, seeing issues from the perspective of the child, for which he has earned fame and respect in his early PBS videos, How Difficult Can This Be?: The F.A.T. City Workshop and When the Chips Are Down. Says Mr. Lavoie, “If you don’t stand up for something, you’ll fall for almost anything.†Topics covered in this handbook are as follows: • Why Do They Do the Things They Do? • Social Skills on the Homefront: Dealing with Parents, Siblings, and Other Strangers • Social Skills at School: Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic, and Relationships • Social Skills in the Community: No Kid Is an Island
If you have a child with ADHD you will relate to every word of this book. The title is a bit daunting--hard to recommend to just anyone but if you take the title out of it-- you will find yourself wanting to share this book with every parent you know who has a child who struggles socially because of ADHD or any learning disorder. There is "finally" advice on how to talk to and guide your child in different social situations. THANK you for this imformational book!
Insights from professionals who can help you work with your child. Helping kids with social skills issues (usually due to some other problem) understand that their skills are deficient is very challenging, but the author offers strategies for working with them to do this diplomatically but effectively. Opening note from Rob Reiner.
My son is not ADHD or LD, but he does have problems with social situations, organizational skills, short attention span, etc. This book addresses a lot of those things. A good portion of the book does not apply to my son because academically he is ahead of his peers and this book assumes that kids with social deficiencies also suffer academically. There are several chapters devoted to specific LDs which I skipped. This book helped me to be more understanding of children with attention problems because there are neurological reasons that make it very difficult for them to make socially acceptable decisions and remain focused on tasks. In the beginning there is a long list of behaviors that these children have and so many of them described my son.One part that I found very useful was the part in the introduction that explains why punishment does not correct poor behavior patterns. It will stop it for that episode, but not have lasting results. Also you should not say, for example, "If you behave in the restaurant then you can get dessert." Not getting dessert would be punishment. The child will be resentful and probably act the same way at the next restaurant. You should explain the expectation beforehand and then if the child behaves you would say, "You have been so good that I think you deserve some dessert." The child will feel a since of accomplishment which leads to them wanting to behave better.Also in the introduction is a 5 step approach of how to analyze with your child a social problem he encountered to help him figure out on his own what he did wrong and what he should have done.Another part that was extremely useful was the chapter on having friends over for visits and house "rules" you get your child in the habit of following so your child becomes a good host.All in all this is one of the best books I have read on helping children cope with attention and social problems.
Fan-fan-fantastic! So much insight into the social struggles of LD kids and so deeply helpful. The best advice I've ever gotten for helping my ADHD son along. I have had particular help with Rick' social autopsy advice. Love this book!
Explains so much why kids have trouble making and keeping friends. A comfort to parents that they have done nothing wrong. A must read for school administrators. Very well written and easy for the layman to understand.
Excellent.
great book for parents of kids with ADHD
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